SAILing Well: a New Resource for Leavers

Maybe you have heard of the transition tool RAFT created by David Pollock, and maybe you have even used it. For years, I have used RAFT to help our family move to new locations, and I've used it with others to help them move. It is a good tool, but I always found myself explaining "reconciliation" and how, sometimes, it is not possible. I also found that I needed to add grief (RAF(G)T) to help explain the losses and the emotions that go into saying all the good-byes. For these reasons, I created a new transition tool for Leavers: SAIL.

SAILing Away is a new tool that complements the other tools I created: DOCKing Well and LANDing Well. SAIL stands for: Slow Down and Stabilize, Acknowledge and Appreciate, Initiate Closure, and Look Ahead.

S: Slow Down and Stabilize

Transitions are hard. They wear on the mind, the body, and the emotions. Research shows that your brain can only operate at 60% capacity during a major transition (1). Yet, there is so much to be done that we forget to slow down and give ourselves grace during this period.

Slowing down allows individuals to notice their own emotions. Emotions have messages. If we ignore them, the messages add up, and our bodies and minds are affected by the pressure they may exert. During transitions, several conflicting emotions can coexist. This is NORMAL. You can feel excited about the upcoming move, sad about leaving friends, anxious about where to live next, angry about having to leave, etc. And if you are in a family, everyone has different emotions at different times. Therefore, slowing down helps to look at each emotion before they pile up.

Ask: What message is this emotion trying to tell me?

With the brain capacity lowered, it is important to take brain breaks. They do not need to be long and drawn out (unless you need them). They can be as short as 10-20 minutes. During these breaks, it is good to process an emotion. Taking a walk outside, looking at nature, and looking up at the sky could be easy ways to do this. Drinking a glass of water slowly and asking yourself, "What makes this feel so hard?" (2). Other ideas: journaling, drawing, coloring, or talking with a trusted friend.

When we slow down and pay attention to emotions, we allow them to communicate without letting them control us. This process helps stabilize the mind and the body.

A: Acknowledge and appreciate

Acknowledge the hard and appreciate the good. Both are needed.

Acknowledge the losses. There are many losses with every transition: friends, furniture, and specific foods related to the culture. There may also be hidden losses, such as language. The loss of being known and knowing others can be disorienting if you do not anticipate it before LANDing. These losses can affect confidence levels and, in turn, identity in the new place. Taking time to acknowledge these losses before the move helps the Newbie remember that questioning their abilities in the new place is all part of the transition process.

Forgiveness. Is there anyone that you need to forgive? Anyone that you need to ask for forgiveness? Forgiveness is not about the other person, so much as lightening the load for yourself. If you have wronged someone, it is better to apologize and not leave with guilt. If someone has wronged you, forgiveness is letting go of the anger and bitterness. Forgiveness is not the same as giving them a pass; it is about not allowing bitterness to control your thoughts and emotions. It's lightening your emotional suitcase before you leave.

Grief is part of acknowledging the losses. Understanding that grief can involve emotions such as sadness, anger, and/or fear helps identify the messages these emotions may convey. It is good to continue to Slow Down and Stabilize throughout the transition process, as grief will continue to come out of any box you try to stuff it into. You can either take time to process the grief, or you can let it spill out onto others. I suggest taking time to process, especially if you tend to grieve in anger. It's better to discuss these strong emotions with a trusted friend than to let them come out yelling and screaming, or worse.

Remember to take time to appreciate. Being grateful for the time you had to live in the culture, for the people you have met, the experiences you've had, and the opportunities to grow in your profession and/or your character is a great way to help offset the losses. It will not erase them, but it does bring balance. What about the culture do you appreciate? Who are the people in your life that you appreciate? Tell them.

I: Initiate Closure

Initiating closure is all about the good-byes. It is the part that most of us would rather avoid or hide from altogether.

People: Yes, there are people you need to say goodbye to. They are probably some of the same people you listed earlier under appreciation. There could be several people on your radar, and it can be overwhelming to know how to go about this part of leaving. A good suggestion is to divide into groups: inner-circle friends and outer-circle friends. The inner-circle friends are those that you are close to, the friends who feel like family. Those people you may want to do something a little more special with one last time. The outer-circle people could be colleagues, neighbors, or people you see regularly but are not super close with. This group may just get phrases like, "It was nice working with you this year." Or if there are a lot in this group, maybe have a goodbye party so you can say goodbye in one afternoon/evening.

Places: There are places where you love to go. Maybe it's a restaurant, a hiking path, or even a fabric market. These places have been a part of your daily life, and going one last time to just acknowledge that it's the last time and take a few photos helps to close the door on that part of your life.

Possessions: You probably cannot take everything you have owned over the past several years. You may sell the item or give it to a dear friend. It may sound a bit odd, but it is recognizing that you have lost some of your favorite possessions. If you have children, this is one to note and discuss with them. Are there a few items that they can take? Or can you take photos of them with your child?

As you realize these losses and begin saying goodbye, you will once again enter grief. It is important to process that grief. Journal, take walks, talk with friends or a trusted counselor, and give yourself grace.

L: Look ahead

Looking ahead is more than planning for the next phase. It is about the excitement of the new place and about assessing internal and external resources.

Internal Resources: How do you cope with stressful situations? Knowing yourself and understanding how you cope (or don't) is important before you leave. Being aware of the signs that your body is entering the stress zone is important, but it is also important to know strategies to help lower the stress in your life. We all have a window of tolerance and react in various ways. If you need help in this area, I suggest contacting a transition coach to help you work through these issues.

External Resources: Do you have any support structures in the new location? Does your new position have any information for new staff to help them and their families navigate the transition? Can you begin identifying any bridge people* who can help you locate and explain the basics of living, such as where to buy food, how to pay the bills, and how to set up a phone plan? If you are not able to set up some of this before you leave, then begin a list of questions. This list is not meant to make you feel overwhelmed by what you do not know, but rather a list of things to remember.

Transitions are not easy. It is filled with goodbyes, loss, and excitement. Using this tool will not take away the grief, nor will it guarantee it to be a smooth ride. But, it can help lessen the heaviness by giving you opportunities to think through parts of the transition that you may not think about. If you need guidance or someone to help you process some of what you are going through, please reach out.

(1) Miller, Koren. 2023. "New Study Finds Stress Can Impact Memory and How Well You Think." Prevention. https://www.prevention.com/health/memory/a43249842/stress-can-impact-memory-cognitive-health-study/

(2) Wells, Lauren. 2024. What Made That Feel So Hard?: The Unstacking Method.

*Bridge People are individuals who have lived in the new place long enough to know the culture, language, and how to live. They help you cross from the land of unknowns to knowing and understanding how to live in your new place.

**This post may have affilitated links.